Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Been Dying Since I Was Born
I really don't recall a time when I wasn't going to die. It has taken 7 years of mind-body therapy to try to put some of the pieces together and figure out why. Most of it goes back to my grandmother, God Bless her, who with my grandfather adopted my brother and I. I've come to realize that she instilled fear in me. I doubt she did it out of any maliciousness. She may have instilled her own fears onto me. Fear of just about everything. Yet, oddly enough I remember being a big dare-devil growing up.
Looking back I imagine all that nerves of steel was underlying combative issues. Tell me not to do something and I would be sure as hell to do it. Prime examples:
1. "Don't swim out into the rice paddies. The weeds will tangle your feet and you'll drown." So out I went but with the safety net of an inner tube. Soon as I felt the weeds circling my feet and legs I was full of anxiety and clung to the inner tube for dear life, but by God I went there!!!
2. "Stay away from the south end of the lake, there's quicksand that will swallow you up." And away I went as soon as her back was turned, stepping through the brush with small branches lashing at my face testing each step lightly the closer to the lakes edge I got. Mind you I was only about 8 years old but I defied parental law even that young. How silly to say one would sink! Then suddenly, both feet sank and slowly kept sinking deeper until I worried that I would be swallowed up by the muddy murky waters underground. No sense to yell for Mom. The house was too far away. The lake was a resort lake...and it wasn't the weekend when city folks were in their cabins. It was just me and quicksand and death staring into my bugged blue eyes. I grasped at mere twigs that weren't strong enough to use as a pulley...struggling to bend while my knees were now immersed to get to a studier branch. But I did.
3. Then there's the time we were camping at Devil's Tower Wyoming and for a real treat my Dad took us to dinner (rather then BBQ at the campground) to a restaurant just before the entrance into the park. We ordered pork chops and it came with fresh ground horseradish. My Dad took one bite and his eyes watered while he looked across the table at my plate and while shaking his fork at my container of the stuff he demanded "Don't touch that! It's hot!" Well while he wasn't looking not only did I decide to sneak a taste of mine, but I scooped up a full fork full and shoved it in my mouth. Needless to say I couldn't breathe. No, I mean I literally couldn't breathe. I was dying for sure. That's probably when I gained the fear of swallowing for the rest of my life...not even a pill--I am sure I am going to get it stuck in my throat and choke to death. I'm going to DIE!!!
4. I grew up in the country near farm land with large woods everywhere. I was an adventurer and really didn't have anyone to play with (only an older brother) so I traveled those woods alone. My Grandmom knew and but of course would tell me not to venture too deep in the woods as people had gotten lost and never seen again. More fear instilled but not enough to stop me. I'd ride my bike along two lane paved country roads to another lake and turn off on to dirt roads and ride back around it in it's deeper silence. No people. No traffic as it was before weekender's had traveled to their cabins for their getaway. I'd explore the lake, look at the different cabins and water toys sitting in their yards and then head on home......on a desolate dirt road far from the main road, where if I got attached by a bear or a bob cat no one would have been near enough around to see or help me. And that's when the fear would kick in. My pedaling gained speed as I visualized a bear coming out of the woods behind me or a bobcat as big in my childlike mind as a cougar racing after me for their evening meal. I would become increasingly afraid with my adrenals out of control unable to even look back to ease my mind. I was going to die right there killed by a wild animal. Dead!
Looking back I imagine all that nerves of steel was underlying combative issues. Tell me not to do something and I would be sure as hell to do it. Prime examples:
1. "Don't swim out into the rice paddies. The weeds will tangle your feet and you'll drown." So out I went but with the safety net of an inner tube. Soon as I felt the weeds circling my feet and legs I was full of anxiety and clung to the inner tube for dear life, but by God I went there!!!
2. "Stay away from the south end of the lake, there's quicksand that will swallow you up." And away I went as soon as her back was turned, stepping through the brush with small branches lashing at my face testing each step lightly the closer to the lakes edge I got. Mind you I was only about 8 years old but I defied parental law even that young. How silly to say one would sink! Then suddenly, both feet sank and slowly kept sinking deeper until I worried that I would be swallowed up by the muddy murky waters underground. No sense to yell for Mom. The house was too far away. The lake was a resort lake...and it wasn't the weekend when city folks were in their cabins. It was just me and quicksand and death staring into my bugged blue eyes. I grasped at mere twigs that weren't strong enough to use as a pulley...struggling to bend while my knees were now immersed to get to a studier branch. But I did.
3. Then there's the time we were camping at Devil's Tower Wyoming and for a real treat my Dad took us to dinner (rather then BBQ at the campground) to a restaurant just before the entrance into the park. We ordered pork chops and it came with fresh ground horseradish. My Dad took one bite and his eyes watered while he looked across the table at my plate and while shaking his fork at my container of the stuff he demanded "Don't touch that! It's hot!" Well while he wasn't looking not only did I decide to sneak a taste of mine, but I scooped up a full fork full and shoved it in my mouth. Needless to say I couldn't breathe. No, I mean I literally couldn't breathe. I was dying for sure. That's probably when I gained the fear of swallowing for the rest of my life...not even a pill--I am sure I am going to get it stuck in my throat and choke to death. I'm going to DIE!!!
4. I grew up in the country near farm land with large woods everywhere. I was an adventurer and really didn't have anyone to play with (only an older brother) so I traveled those woods alone. My Grandmom knew and but of course would tell me not to venture too deep in the woods as people had gotten lost and never seen again. More fear instilled but not enough to stop me. I'd ride my bike along two lane paved country roads to another lake and turn off on to dirt roads and ride back around it in it's deeper silence. No people. No traffic as it was before weekender's had traveled to their cabins for their getaway. I'd explore the lake, look at the different cabins and water toys sitting in their yards and then head on home......on a desolate dirt road far from the main road, where if I got attached by a bear or a bob cat no one would have been near enough around to see or help me. And that's when the fear would kick in. My pedaling gained speed as I visualized a bear coming out of the woods behind me or a bobcat as big in my childlike mind as a cougar racing after me for their evening meal. I would become increasingly afraid with my adrenals out of control unable to even look back to ease my mind. I was going to die right there killed by a wild animal. Dead!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
More then One Way to Die!
I moved in September from one condo (with my bedroom upstairs) to a new location in another condo (also with my room upstairs) and I guess I thought I was 30 and jacked up my left knee. It progressively got worse until I went to the doc, got an MRI (with my claustrophobic self) to find out that I have chondromalacia patellae. There's nothing like having something you've never heard of NOR can you pronounce but hey! Leave it to me to find it, and get it! For those of you who also don't know what it is, here is a definition:
Chondromalacia patella is abnormal softening of the cartilage of the under the kneecap (patella). Chondromalacia patella is the most common cause of chronic knee pain. Chondromalacia patella results from degeneration of cartilage due to poor alignment of the kneecap as it slides over the lower end of the thigh bone (femur). This process is, therefore, sometimes referred to aspatellofemoral syndrome.
So there you have it! Now as time went by, my right knee started getting weak and my legs started to hurt. I figured it was just my right sympathizing with my left. But then both legs below the knees and my ankles and my feet began to swell. Now folks this is just not normal and surely can't be just because I lifted too many boxes up and down stairs while moving. So there goes my imagination...which by the way is not an imagination for a hypochondriac--it is FACT! I bought some knee high old grandma stockings that are specific for circulation issues---and I know there's circulation issues going on because even before this just a normal every day pair of ankle socks cut my circulation off and they still do. I take my socks off and there are deep lines where the top of the sock rested even though the socks were loose!! So now it appears my legs have no circulation either. What do I do? I use my best friend Google to find out what I have.
I have:
1) Deep vein thrombosis
2) Congestive heart failure
3) Liver disease
4) Multiple sclerosis
5) Diabetes
6) Phlebitis
But what did my doctor diagnose today??
Edema!!! WTF!?
The least likely to die condition. Of course I am completely sure his diagnose is wrong. He said my hormones are low, use Premarin cream every night. Double up on the water pills (which I have heard is not good for you and your liver and I already have a liver that is burning daily!)
Keep on with the prescription for inflammation. I told him today I am adding VICODIN! The pain is out of control now. I joined the gym (well, okay I RE joined the gym) specifically to use the pool and jacuzzi for therapeutic reasons. Amazingly I have NO SWELLING in the pool, my calves are as flabby as an old woman who lost a ton of weight! LOL! However within 30 minutes out of water they are rock solid again. :( I can't grow fins and be a mermaid so what am I to do?
Doc said to elevate legs---HEY I WORK!!!! I take the train and if I elevate them there I am inviting danger---(well it HAS been a long time so maybe it wouldn't be so much danger as pleasure! LOLOL Just kidding) but I can't elevate them on the train. And I can't "elevate over your heart" at work either. My desk has two monitors and a lot of other work stuff and besides if I put them up on my desk I can't type and my boss will fire me for thinking I'm the boss! :P My days start at 5:15 AM, on the train at 6AM and off the train at night at 7 PM...COME ON---when I am going to "elevate your feet above your heart" ??? I have about two hours to myself before I need to sleep or I will die of exhaustion (via a heart attack of course)!
But I tried. I laid on my bed and wiggled my butt as close to the wall as I could and put my legs up. Problem with that is I can't read because holding a book up in thin air makes my arms tired and fall asleep (no circulation, DAHHH). And I can't see TV. Maybe I should use Gorilla glue and put a rear view mirror on the wall. What a concept!!! I use a heating pad at night when I go to bed--it has a massager in it. It helps. I pay bucks for body massages and have them use most of the time on my legs. What a shame. I can't go out on my weekend nights dancing at local clubs. I am afraid to try to ride my bike when I limp just walking.
I don't believe swollen legs are just water. I believe the HMO system is not allowing doctors to properly diagnose me...ALTHOUGH he did the ultra sound of my legs looking for clots which didn't exist (but they're coming, just wait and see and then going up to my heart and kill me) and today he did an EKG which was normal, (but that's just because the clots haven't moved up yet) and then everyone wonders why I am full of anxiety!!
My job is killing me too---SOOOOOOOO much stress there, worry, feeling pressure. I could drop dead from the stress.
There's more then one way to die folks, and I have the potential for quite a few ways. And that's the way I always feel most of the time.
It is not easy keeping up with being a hypochondriac!
I have been an Internet user since Windows 3.1 was first released and really became a computer nut in general. I've seen every search engine there was and when Google first arrived on the scene it didn't take me long to figure out it was going to be the cream of the crop which turned out to be so. I only regret that when they went public at $69/share that I didn't conquer my fear of losing my money and buy a hundred shares or more. Considering it went out to the mid $400's and still remains high, had I had the guts I probably could have retired on Google stock alone. It is still the best search engine out there and although they have added all kinds of extras, I have to say that Google is NOT a friend of the hypochondriac!! It is like a cocaine way to die...it speeds up finding what's wrong and how long you've got left to live. But quite frankly I wouldn't need to use it if I had a competent doctor--ANY doctor that's competent would do but alas in the world of cutting corners, and cash COWS cutting our life short along the way means nothing to them.
I've also got, thanks to Google:
1) Brain tumor
2) Gall stones
3) Kidney Stones
4) Cancer of the esophagus as I choke a lot when swallowing and it hurts
5) Chronic fatigue syndrome (which is really the Mono virus and I actually have been officially diagnosed via blood work on that--thanks to a former female roommate sharing utensils and her Epstein Bar----bitch! :<)
6) Discoid lupus (officially diagnosed, most likely stress and environment caused which knocks out your immune system and systemic lupus which I could actually get from the discoid lupus can attach your body from inside and kill you)
7) Panic attacks (which I do have and during one if driving you are prone to purposely driving off the side of the road, or bridge without being able to stop yourself)
8) Vertigo (officially diagnosed so no high tops for me, not even the edge of the second floor on a mall looking down)
9) Claustrophobia (other then an elevator I'm good--oh well no, I have to get an IV in an MRI)
and of course, last but not least (just for today)
10) Lung cancer or cancer of the bones
I could flip a coin and die from any of these at any time and I have all the symptoms of every one!
Chondromalacia patella is abnormal softening of the cartilage of the under the kneecap (patella). Chondromalacia patella is the most common cause of chronic knee pain. Chondromalacia patella results from degeneration of cartilage due to poor alignment of the kneecap as it slides over the lower end of the thigh bone (femur). This process is, therefore, sometimes referred to aspatellofemoral syndrome.
So there you have it! Now as time went by, my right knee started getting weak and my legs started to hurt. I figured it was just my right sympathizing with my left. But then both legs below the knees and my ankles and my feet began to swell. Now folks this is just not normal and surely can't be just because I lifted too many boxes up and down stairs while moving. So there goes my imagination...which by the way is not an imagination for a hypochondriac--it is FACT! I bought some knee high old grandma stockings that are specific for circulation issues---and I know there's circulation issues going on because even before this just a normal every day pair of ankle socks cut my circulation off and they still do. I take my socks off and there are deep lines where the top of the sock rested even though the socks were loose!! So now it appears my legs have no circulation either. What do I do? I use my best friend Google to find out what I have.
I have:
1) Deep vein thrombosis
2) Congestive heart failure
3) Liver disease
4) Multiple sclerosis
5) Diabetes
6) Phlebitis
But what did my doctor diagnose today??
Edema!!! WTF!?
The least likely to die condition. Of course I am completely sure his diagnose is wrong. He said my hormones are low, use Premarin cream every night. Double up on the water pills (which I have heard is not good for you and your liver and I already have a liver that is burning daily!)
Keep on with the prescription for inflammation. I told him today I am adding VICODIN! The pain is out of control now. I joined the gym (well, okay I RE joined the gym) specifically to use the pool and jacuzzi for therapeutic reasons. Amazingly I have NO SWELLING in the pool, my calves are as flabby as an old woman who lost a ton of weight! LOL! However within 30 minutes out of water they are rock solid again. :( I can't grow fins and be a mermaid so what am I to do?
Doc said to elevate legs---HEY I WORK!!!! I take the train and if I elevate them there I am inviting danger---(well it HAS been a long time so maybe it wouldn't be so much danger as pleasure! LOLOL Just kidding) but I can't elevate them on the train. And I can't "elevate over your heart" at work either. My desk has two monitors and a lot of other work stuff and besides if I put them up on my desk I can't type and my boss will fire me for thinking I'm the boss! :P My days start at 5:15 AM, on the train at 6AM and off the train at night at 7 PM...COME ON---when I am going to "elevate your feet above your heart" ??? I have about two hours to myself before I need to sleep or I will die of exhaustion (via a heart attack of course)!
But I tried. I laid on my bed and wiggled my butt as close to the wall as I could and put my legs up. Problem with that is I can't read because holding a book up in thin air makes my arms tired and fall asleep (no circulation, DAHHH). And I can't see TV. Maybe I should use Gorilla glue and put a rear view mirror on the wall. What a concept!!! I use a heating pad at night when I go to bed--it has a massager in it. It helps. I pay bucks for body massages and have them use most of the time on my legs. What a shame. I can't go out on my weekend nights dancing at local clubs. I am afraid to try to ride my bike when I limp just walking.
I don't believe swollen legs are just water. I believe the HMO system is not allowing doctors to properly diagnose me...ALTHOUGH he did the ultra sound of my legs looking for clots which didn't exist (but they're coming, just wait and see and then going up to my heart and kill me) and today he did an EKG which was normal, (but that's just because the clots haven't moved up yet) and then everyone wonders why I am full of anxiety!!
My job is killing me too---SOOOOOOOO much stress there, worry, feeling pressure. I could drop dead from the stress.
There's more then one way to die folks, and I have the potential for quite a few ways. And that's the way I always feel most of the time.
It is not easy keeping up with being a hypochondriac!
I have been an Internet user since Windows 3.1 was first released and really became a computer nut in general. I've seen every search engine there was and when Google first arrived on the scene it didn't take me long to figure out it was going to be the cream of the crop which turned out to be so. I only regret that when they went public at $69/share that I didn't conquer my fear of losing my money and buy a hundred shares or more. Considering it went out to the mid $400's and still remains high, had I had the guts I probably could have retired on Google stock alone. It is still the best search engine out there and although they have added all kinds of extras, I have to say that Google is NOT a friend of the hypochondriac!! It is like a cocaine way to die...it speeds up finding what's wrong and how long you've got left to live. But quite frankly I wouldn't need to use it if I had a competent doctor--ANY doctor that's competent would do but alas in the world of cutting corners, and cash COWS cutting our life short along the way means nothing to them.
I've also got, thanks to Google:
1) Brain tumor
2) Gall stones
3) Kidney Stones
4) Cancer of the esophagus as I choke a lot when swallowing and it hurts
5) Chronic fatigue syndrome (which is really the Mono virus and I actually have been officially diagnosed via blood work on that--thanks to a former female roommate sharing utensils and her Epstein Bar----bitch! :<)
6) Discoid lupus (officially diagnosed, most likely stress and environment caused which knocks out your immune system and systemic lupus which I could actually get from the discoid lupus can attach your body from inside and kill you)
7) Panic attacks (which I do have and during one if driving you are prone to purposely driving off the side of the road, or bridge without being able to stop yourself)
8) Vertigo (officially diagnosed so no high tops for me, not even the edge of the second floor on a mall looking down)
9) Claustrophobia (other then an elevator I'm good--oh well no, I have to get an IV in an MRI)
and of course, last but not least (just for today)
10) Lung cancer or cancer of the bones
I could flip a coin and die from any of these at any time and I have all the symptoms of every one!
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